Saturday Night Cinema: The Ox-Bow Incident (1955)

AUDIO: Rose Tennent’s opening monologue.
Hannity Radio Show July 6, 2012
http://www.hannity.com/videos/?uri=channels/400391/1681628
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And now for something completely different.
1)
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.”
Bartender says, “You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”
The guy says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks “You mean to say, He can drink that much?” “Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some.” the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
“That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?”
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing,” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks “Talk? Sure *he* talks.
Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a “Dickhead!”
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2)
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear. The bartender’s wife answers and he (who is very amazed) says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you….ok…bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
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3)
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it … and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
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4)
The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: “Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”
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5)
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.
“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”
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6)
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
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7)
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?
“Well, I see thousands of stars.”
And what does that mean to you?”
“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”
“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”
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8)
What is a cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They’re totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They’re moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Yup!!!!! Saturday night cinema is fantastic thing for me because Sunday is a holiday and we can sleep full day and without any tension we can enjoy our Saturday, Nice blog thanks for sharing.